Lately I've been feeling pretty good. Alive. Ready.... Well, some days that's how I feel. Some days are much harder, less ready, and a little sleepy. But for the most part I'm doing awesome. I'm working on implementing some discipline and structure to our days besides just Zachary's nap schedule. It's amazing that coming up on his first birthday I'm just now starting to get back to my old self. Funny how long it really takes.
I'm reading a book called Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe. I felt a little silly asking for it at the bookstore. I felt a little silly admitting I'm reading it. But silly is the farthest thing I feel after delving into it. It's such an honest and encouraging book. Even as I'm typing this, remembering how I felt the day I found it, I'm tearing up. I was so discouraged. I felt lost and hopeless, like "how could this be what I signed up for?!" Here's a little blurb of a blog post I was beginning at the time:
I have woken up to the realization that my life is not what I thought it would be. Not that it isn't what I want it to be, just not what I expected. You know how you have an idea of what you'll be like, look like, think like, etc when you "grow up"? Well, my life doesn't be, look, think like that at all. It is far from bad or even any kind of worse version of what I ever envisioned. It is in fact much better than I could have planned or even hoped for at some points of my adolescence.
As I look at the things I do and the way I live I am so abundantly grateful. I have an amazing hubby and two adorable boys. We lead worship at a church where we are appreciated and cared for. We live in a relatively safe town with not much to do but many people who love us.
But here's the thing: I always thought it would be...well, different. That seems to be the only word that's coming to me now.
As you can see I wasn't in the best place! I think I started that post with the intent to show how God had made my life better with my little family, but I got stuck about the end of that last paragraph and just stopped. I'm pretty sure that's when I started looking for some encouragement, anything to hold onto and found Desperate. This book has helped me realize that different is not bad. Even difficult isn't bad. Being a mom and learning to be a mom is hard. It's not something that we are necessarily prepared for. My mom was and is a great mom. She seems like a natural, but as I've talked with her about how I've been feeling she totally relates. She wasn't a natural, she just did the best she could, and I thought she was amazing! It gives me hope that my kids will one day think the same about me...HOPE. It seems to be the key.
Something I've learned is that without hope there is really no point. Not just in motherhood, but in life. Hope is what leads us. It's what draws us. I think really it's what gets us out of bed in the morning. Hope that today is going to be good, that something today is worth getting out of bed for, that my contribution to my family/job/church/community is going to matter. See, without hope days get dark, and getting out of bed just doesn't seem worth it. Hope is the opposite of, well hopelessness... Seems obvious, I know. But think about it. Hopelessness tells us that it's not worth it, that nobody cares or will be affected by our lives, that it's going to be bad, whatever it is. Hopelessness is a lie. It's a HUGE LIE that can devour you and keep you bound, desperate, and lost.
We have to find hope, true hope, The Hope, in order to go on. I don't think a person could live a long time without hope. We need it. It fuels us. As a wife and a mom my hope is that my husband and children will feel loved and cared for. I hope that they will see God in me and understand Him better for having known me. I hope to make an impact on the future generations of my family and the world. I hope that God will use me in any and every way possible, no matter how insignificant it may seem to me right now.
So what does that look like? I'm not sure! But I sure am excited to find out. I know that God will reveal things in His perfect timing. I trust that He has given me my hubby and my boys on purpose, because He knew exactly who I needed and who they needed. I hope that I will become the woman I am meant to be in the process of raising my boys to be who God intended them to be. I believe that in all things concerning me He will work them together for my good and for His glory.
Romans 5:5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.