Seeking His Presence

My momma praying with my baby

You know those times when it just seems so hard to pray? When you find every excuse, and every little thing to occupy your mind so you don't go there? Or when you just don't do it because you're too tired, too emotionally drained, too scared that you may come unglued if you go there? Yeah. Me too. Over the last year-and-a-half there have been so many times that I knew I needed to get to my knees. I knew God was calling me deeper into Himself. I knew I needed to be in His presence. But I just didn't go. I didn't cry out. I didn't make the time, or if I had the time I didn't take it. I slept. I shopped. I ate. I watched TV.

When life is chaos or it just plain hurts, it takes everything inside me to hold it together. I know in my mind that God's the only One who can fix it. I know in my heart that I need Him more desperately than anything else in all the world. But I'm afraid if I go there, if I pour out my heart, I may not get up. I might just finally break. That's one of the lies I've had to break free from, that I'm on the edge of breaking, that just one more thing will do me in. In my mind's eye, I remember this scene from a movie, I don't even know which one, where the mother is having a total mental breakdown on the front lawn. The father is trying to get her up off the ground and the grandmother is ushering the children inside. The lie is that was going to be me. Just one. more. thing.

I went up for prayer at one of our women's events last year sometime, and the pastor's wife who prayed with me looked at me and said, "That's a lie. You will not break. God's got you." It was like a breath of fresh air and a reminder that I needed to get out of my head and onto my knees. He always tells me the truth.

Some days it's been all I can do to just lay on the ground and cry. "But the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." (Romans 8:26) 

It's so easy to come up with some sort of idea of what prayer or spending time with God should look like. We see others, or at least what they portray, and think that's what it looks like. We hear stories of people who read their Bible for hours or who pray every morning at 2 and think that's what it looks like. But it's so much more than any of that. A long time ago, I promised myself that I wouldn't compare my relationship with my husband to anybody else's marriage. It helps me focus on him and how he loves me, and I'm better able to appreciate what I have. I think the same must be true of our individual relationships with the Lord. My quiet time will not look like anyone else's. It can't. God speaks to each of us in so many different ways. He knows exactly how to love me based on my needs and my personality. And He knows that some days all I can do is cry. And He lets me. Because that's how He is. 

When I need that arms-wrapped-around-me feeling it usually takes me a couple days (ok, sometimes weeks) to finally give in and get with my Jesus. But then I wait, I pray, I cry, I seek. And He knows just how to show me what I need. It's not always a physical tangible feeling. And it may not be, actually usually is not, what I expect. Sometimes it's peace. Sometimes it's calm. Sometimes it's rest. Sometimes it's a hug from a wonderful little boy who prayed for me yesterday, "Dear Lord, help my Mommy to be a good mommy, and take care of us."After they both had anointed me with oil as my mom and I had done to them. "Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him." (Psalm 127:3)

At all times, He knows exactly what I need and how I need it. I have to constantly remember to run to Him instead of from Him. Even when it hurts. Even when it's hard. Even when I don't want to.

Come out from despair

Grab on to Life

The blood Jesus shed

Is your freedom and mine

A Little of This, A Little of That

I have found the combination of prayer and worship to be so powerful in my life. I love the way I can start with worship and end up praying or vice versa. Even though not every single time is the most amazing encounter I've ever had with God, I find that if I allow myself to get lost in worship or really pour my heart out to God in prayer, I leave His presence changed. Even if it's just that I feel better than when I went in. Or maybe I've got a little more strength for the journey. There's something about God's presence that changes me.

My heart's cry is to dwell in God's presence, to be in constant communication with Him, whether through worship, prayer, or reading my Bible. One of my favorite Psalms is Psalm 27. Verse 4 really sums up what I'm trying to say: "One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple." How amazing would that be! To sit in God's presence constantly, looking at Him in all His beauty and glory! WOAH!

Something that my Bible study talked about last week was the fact that we have to live in this world, but we are not supposed to be like the world, we should be separate unto God. I know this is a common "churchy" way to think, but the context in the Bible study was what got me. We're studying Abram (before he was renamed Abraham). In Genesis 14, he hears that his relative Lot has been taken captive by these four kings who had invaded Sodom. So Abram musters his 300+ fighting men and goes to get Lot. Of course he saves Lot and all his people and goods.

Think about it, these are FOUR kings with their trained army against Abram with his 318 men whom he had trained to fight! That's huge that he won, let alone had the courage in the first place! Beth Moore quotes F.B. Meyer who says that it was only because Abram was separated from the world that he was able to save his nephew and all that belonged to him. He points out that if we are not separated from the world, we will not have the power to overcome the world.

What a thought! Once again God asks us to do something that may seem like a "thou shalt not..." to ruin our fun, when in reality he has only our best interest in mind. He desires to bless us and use us to be a blessing to the "Lots" in our lives. If we choose to live like the world, we may end up being taken captive like Lot. But if we will be found in the presence of Most High God, at His feet, soaking in His strength, then we will be able to be used to our fullest potential.

So you see, if you will choose to separate yourself from the world, and allow your Father to fill you up with Him and His Spirit, then not only will you benefit, but those around you will be lifted up with you too!