A Healing Journey

Sunset over Tracy Community Church

So here's a little insight into what our last year has been like...

In October of 2014 I was diagnosed with two herniated discs in my lower neck, basically right where my neck meets my shoulders. It was causing an intense amount of pain. I spent the whole month of October on my face on the couch. I began feeling better as November wore on, and was at least able to function mostly normally by Christmas. Funny thing happened during that time though, I ended up having multiple gallbladder attacks -- a sharp pain in my shoulder then spreading throughout my abdomen from the right side. Yeah, no bueno. 

So, I had to have surgery. I had my gallbladder removed in January of this year. It took the full three weeks recovery time for me to even get out of bed. It just seemed like one thing after another. Needless to say I was depressed. I kept thinking, I should write about this. But I had nothing good to say. It's funny how when hard things happen it's so easy to shut down. I spent much of this difficult time wrestling with my emotions, uncontrolled in my eating habits, and definitely not exercising. Then hubby got sick. February, March, and April were spent trying to figure out what was going on and how to get him better. We can't explain exactly what it was except a combo of stress, bad eating habits, a spine out of alignment, and some pulled muscles, which together caused a whole lot of bad symptoms. Then we started to see the light.

Flashback to the beginning of 2014, I heard the Holy Spirit telling me one word: Presence. I felt like He wanted me to seek Him, to press in, to spend time deepening my relationship with Papa God. Now I know why. This has been a difficult road. I'm such a positive person by nature. It was like the life got sucked out of me and I was stuck without breath, and very little hope. But I know The Hope. And whenever I could muster I would seek His presence. Not like the Jesus-I-know-You're-with-me kind of presence, more like the if-I-don't-feel-you-wrapped-around-me-I-Will-Die kind of presence. There was lots of crying. (Which, if you know me, is totally to be expected! LOL) And slowly, but surely, the hope overtook the depression. Hubby and I started exercising some and in May we (I very reluctantly) decided to do an elimination diet to figure out if there were any food sensitivities that might be causing our symptoms. Wow! We started to feel better. The fog was lifting.

Monterey Beach -- What a beautiful day!

Then the leg cramps started. SERIOUSLY?! My calves would seize up and feel almost like a leg cramp, but just before. I

spent my birthday sitting on a bench looking at the beach and crying because all I wanted to do was walk the beach. It didn't seem like too much to ask. Every step reminded me how helpless I was. I walked around on the verge of tears for weeks. I decided to go the doctor. I found out that my Vitamin D was low, but other than that he could not explain the symptoms. Over a couple months I had several appointments for blood tests and results. And over that time my symptoms subsided. I started to notice a pattern of when my calf pain would return. I'm not quite sure but I think there are some preservatives to blame.

Then the final blow (hopefully!) my doctor had asked if we could run a cholesterol panel. It came back pre-diabetic, on the edge of high cholesterol -- my bad cholesterol is way to high, high triglycerides, too much inflammation. WHATTHEHECK! I was angry. 600 pound people on The Biggest Loser are pre-diabetic! I'm nowhere near that. Not fair. Not cool. Not me! Hubby was really worried and asked if we could implement my long put-off Whole 30-like diet. I think I was just mad enough that I was willing. Since the first gallbladder attack in February of 2014 I knew I needed to change my diet. I knew I needed to listen to my body. But the doctor gave me medicine and told me I had to take it. I had Barrett's Esophogus (a disease in which your esophageal tissue begins to mimic stomach tissue because of the corrosion of stomach acid overflowing into the esophagus) and it is pre-cancerous. I felt defeated then. Now I am refusing to lie down and take it.

Hebrews 10:23 says, "Let us hold unswervingly to the faith we profess, for he who promised is faithful." There is no one bigger than my God. There is no disease, no lie, no heartache, no depression, no pain. God has allowed this time in my life for reasons that only He knows right now. My job is not to give in and give up. It's to hang on and dig in to Him who promised that He has a plan for my life, that now matter what comes my way it will be for my good and His glory. I must choose to believe that He is faithful even when I don't see it. He has brought me this far. He will not fail me now. He CANNOT fail me. "For no word from God will ever fail." Luke 1:37

The Loves of my life!

So I will remain steadfast. I will set my face like a flint. I will do what God has called me to do and be who He's made and equipped me to be. I will thank God over and over for a husband who loves me enough to make me take care of my body, and boys who keep me running in circles. 

He is my shield, my very great reward. (Gen 15:1) Nothing else really matters.

Abandonment

So, I'm in the middle of a Bible study called Falling in Love with Jesus. The 3rd week in our study is all about surrender and abandoning everything for the Love of our lives. I also started reading a book called Radical by David Platt, which is basically about this exact thing. It just so happens I started reading the book the same week I managed week 3 in my Bible study... hmmm... coincidence?

My heart has always been for God's will in my life, no matter what. At the beginning of this week's study I was challenged to pray Ruth 1:16-17 “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.” I must say I had a little trouble getting the words out. I've come to realize that it's not just something to say or "believe", but it's something to live.

Now I'm not saying that before this past week I didn't really mean that I wanted to live out God's will, but it's just hit me like a ton of bricks, that if He asked my life -- not just my physical life, but everything I hold dear, and He could! -- then I would have to give it. Not have to like someone's making me, but have to like because I love Him with everything. Nothing I have has come because of anything I've done, only because He's given it. But as I started to pray those words, "Where you go I will go, where you stay I will stay..." I broke, because I realized that my stuff really did have a hold on me. That's not who I want to be!

I want to live my life in a way that I can fulfill every call of God on my life. Yes, I want to enjoy His blessings and walk with joy and hope, but do I really need "stuff" to believe that He's a good God? Do I need "things" to believe that He wants to bless me? I have an amazing family and more love than I can possibly deserve, but what if He asked me for them? Would I question that He's worth it? I've decided that He is -- He's so worth it: everything, all of me, all my comforts and desires, hopes and dreams, loves and lovees. He's the only One I want to live my life for.

I've started reading through the Bible, and I'm shooting to read through it in the coming year. I've attempted this before and have never quite made it, but here I go again. I'm praying that through His Word, my life will be transformed and my mind renewed. I've already had some "aha" moments. I can't wait for more to come. I'm so blessed to be loved by such an amazing Papa. I hope you know that love too.

To Know His Love

Ephesians 3:19: "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

I love this verse. It truly is my prayer for everyone I know and for myself! There is nothing more beautiful or amazing than to realize how much God loves you. And not just to know it but to experience it. The word "know" in this verse suggests intimate knowledge. It's actually the same word used in the Bible when it talks about a husband "knowing" his wife. This, to me, speaks of an experience. Knowing God's love isn't just something we can know in our minds. It must penetrate our hearts, and that only comes through intimate relationship. We must experience God to know His deep love for us.

Let me give you an example of this. My whole life I've been to church at least once if not twice a week, with the exception of vacations here and there. I was raised singing "Jesus loves me this I know" and being told how much Jesus loves me in Sunday school and sermons. I have parents who love me dearly and have always told me how much they love me. Here's the thing: I knew it in my head but I didn't know it in my heart. I got to the age where I needed to "feel" loved and began looking for it and taking advantage of it wherever I could find it. Of course that didn't work because what I really needed was to "know" God's love. I had parents who loved me, I knew Jesus loved me, but I didn't feel loved. Why? I hadn't experienced God's love.

It may be something as simple as learning to "speak" a different love language. I am a touchy-feely person. I like to be told a million-and-a-half times a day that I am loved. And it's even better if that "I love you" comes with a big hug or a kiss! My parents aren't touchy-feely, so while I knew in my head they loved me, in my heart I questioned it at times because they hadn't told me today, this minute, or 10 seconds ago! When I was able to realize that my parents provision for and protection of me, as well as the gifts they gave me and the way they were willing to supply my wants in addition to my needs was the way they expressed their love, I finally accepted and knew in my heart they loved me. Don't get me wrong they've always told me they love me, but really someone as needy as I can be is just insatiable when it comes to being told and shown love! Sorry!

This head vs. heart knowledge translated into my relationship with God. I knew He'd always taken care of me. And though I had a relationship with Him, it wasn't until I began seeking Him, was able to fully surrender, pour out my heart and let go of the ways I thought He should tell me of His love, that I was able to hear, see, and feel the way that He constantly and lavishly expresses His love! He rocked my world and changed my life!

My prayer for you is that you will experience the love of God. If you’ve never asked to be shown it, or maybe even thought you knew it, ask Him to reveal it in a new way. He just might blow your socks off! I believe God’s in the “sweep you off your feet” business. I think He’s the true romantic of all time. His love is wider, higher, longer, and deeper than any of us has ever imagined. Let Him take you to a new place with Him – where He can show you His love.

A Little of This, A Little of That

I have found the combination of prayer and worship to be so powerful in my life. I love the way I can start with worship and end up praying or vice versa. Even though not every single time is the most amazing encounter I've ever had with God, I find that if I allow myself to get lost in worship or really pour my heart out to God in prayer, I leave His presence changed. Even if it's just that I feel better than when I went in. Or maybe I've got a little more strength for the journey. There's something about God's presence that changes me.

My heart's cry is to dwell in God's presence, to be in constant communication with Him, whether through worship, prayer, or reading my Bible. One of my favorite Psalms is Psalm 27. Verse 4 really sums up what I'm trying to say: "One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple." How amazing would that be! To sit in God's presence constantly, looking at Him in all His beauty and glory! WOAH!

Something that my Bible study talked about last week was the fact that we have to live in this world, but we are not supposed to be like the world, we should be separate unto God. I know this is a common "churchy" way to think, but the context in the Bible study was what got me. We're studying Abram (before he was renamed Abraham). In Genesis 14, he hears that his relative Lot has been taken captive by these four kings who had invaded Sodom. So Abram musters his 300+ fighting men and goes to get Lot. Of course he saves Lot and all his people and goods.

Think about it, these are FOUR kings with their trained army against Abram with his 318 men whom he had trained to fight! That's huge that he won, let alone had the courage in the first place! Beth Moore quotes F.B. Meyer who says that it was only because Abram was separated from the world that he was able to save his nephew and all that belonged to him. He points out that if we are not separated from the world, we will not have the power to overcome the world.

What a thought! Once again God asks us to do something that may seem like a "thou shalt not..." to ruin our fun, when in reality he has only our best interest in mind. He desires to bless us and use us to be a blessing to the "Lots" in our lives. If we choose to live like the world, we may end up being taken captive like Lot. But if we will be found in the presence of Most High God, at His feet, soaking in His strength, then we will be able to be used to our fullest potential.

So you see, if you will choose to separate yourself from the world, and allow your Father to fill you up with Him and His Spirit, then not only will you benefit, but those around you will be lifted up with you too!

The Older I Get...

It kind of sounds silly to me to say, "The older I get..." But it's true, you learn things as you grow up, no matter how old you are. So here I am, young, but older than I was last year! Something God has been showing me is in relation to my marriage. I am a newlywed, and I find it amazing how much God has taught me through my marriage to the most wonderful man in the world! I am astounded at the comparison between the earthly marriage relationship and the relationship God desires to have with us, His bride. Now, I knew before I got married, that this is a comparison drawn in the Bible, but I don't think I fully understood the magnitude of it.

God's desire for intimacy with us goes so far beyond, "Hey, how's it going?" It even goes beyond, "I love you sooooooooo much!" It's more like, "You're on my side of the bed...Why do you have to sit so close?...How can you possibly think I'm cute while flossing?!" And so much more! God's desire is to know every aspect of our lives. To be intimately involved in everything we do. His heart is to love us to the depths. His love for us is deeper than we can imagine and He wants to love us in the deepest parts of ourselves.

I don't think anyone knows me the way my husband knows me, nor could anyone else still appreciate me after knowing me so well! Except one: God. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows everything about me, even the things I try to hide! I think the clincher for Him is when we turn that around, and begin desiring to know Him that way. When we miss being with Him after a long day of chores and work. When we ask Him to come close and to "kiss me with the kisses of your mouth. For your love is more delightful than wine." When we stop and ask, "Hey what's your favorite...How can I love you better?...What are you thinking?"

God's desire for us to love Him is beyond anything we can even comprehend. And His love is beyond our capability to understand. But it's still available to us. All we have to do is ask.

Just do it!

One of my biggest goals in life is to trust God. It seems silly to me to not trust Him, seeing as how He's proved Himself to me over and over and over again. But I constantly find myself not trusting. Or even better, thinking I'm trusting all the while trying to take care of the situation on my own. The thought process / prayer process usually goes something like this: "Ok, Father, so here's the situation...[At this point I spill the beans and let God know everything He obviously doesn't already know about my situation.] And I'm just so upset, I don't know what to do! [I proceed to whine and complain and throw my pity party. And once I've finally exhausted myself, I say] I just lay this down right now Father. This is what I'm going to do about it..." You see the problem? I've laid it down in words, but not in my heart. I'm still trying to fix it! Kind of like, "I trust you but..."

I read these words and I think, "HOW LAME!" But I believe this is a common struggle, even to those who may have already learned to trust God. We constantly feel like there must be some way I can fix this. And when we realize we can't, we work ourselves into a frenzy trying to give it to God.

Isaiah 30:15 says "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength...." This is a hard lesson to learn, especially when you're a control freak! But here's the key: rest and be still. He's taking care of you! This is the truth. We can let go of our burdens because we have a Father who is intimately concerned with our lives. He's got us in the palm of His hand and He's not letting go. When we can't do it--and even when we can--He can do it. And He'll do it better than we could anyway!

This is not an easy thing to learn, but as we get to know our Heavenly Father, His character shines through and we begin to trust Him as much as we would the best physical father in the world, and even more. The more I get to know Him, the more I long to trust Him, because I know His ways are best. They are higher than mine. I think for now this is acceptable to Him, because it's all I have to give. He knows. He takes us however we come and He loves us till we can't stand staying the same, and begin the process of becoming like Him. Will you commit with me to stop trying so hard, and just let Him take care of you. He can, you know. He's greater.