Living Well Spending Zero Week 2 Reflections

Oh how I hate filing paperwork!

Well, I blew it! Waaa! I spent un-budgeted money. I won't even tell you what I spent it on because it's not a big deal. And if I did tell you'd probably be like, "Oh, you needed that. No biggie." And I'm not into excuses. I didn't spend a lot, but I really wanted to stick to the goal. Boo.

On the bright side today went much better. I had budgeted 20 bucks for our "field trip" to the pumpkin patch and I only spent $17! Woo hoo! I think not beating yourself up when you mess up is one of the hardest things. But I've learned that the less I sulk the more quickly I get back to being awesome! ;-D And today I was awesome! Seriously, have you noticed how quickly a little outing can turn into Starbucks + all the attractions + lunch + possibly another Starbucks? Yeah, me too. Lame. That's where I've noticed the biggest change in my spending. I'm not out running errands all the time at lunchtime, and when I know I'm going to be out late I pack snacks.

At the end of each week of the LWSZ challenge we have a "Reflection" assignment, so here's my thoughts... There was A LOT of cleaning this week! I still have a pile of papers to sort and file. This lovely picture of my laundry basket full of just papers that need to be filed is one of two. Blah. But my living spaces, my kitchen, my bathrooms are BEAUTIFUL! Oh and did I mention how my master bedroom is coming together? Well, it is and it's so great and calming to walk in and not have a pile of, well, anything staring at me! I'm loving having a clean home. I am hoping to implement a cleaning schedule going forward to maintain all this loveliness. There's just something about having a clean space to live in. Ruth Soukup, the author of the challenge, says when you have a clean house it's like you have a clean brain. And I agree!

My beautiful work-in-progress bedroom

The best part of the challenge thus far is that compared to last month we've already saved over $1400!! Mind. Blown. I can't believe it! I've been going over our expenses the last two months with a fine tooth comb and I'm in awe. I realized how a little bit here and a little bit there adds up to so much. The things we think are inconsequential really never are. What I find most interesting is how our finances and our eating were spiraling out of control almost at the same time and the same rate. Eating out is a huge contributor to both of those things.

Many times we'll eat out simply because I didn't have a plan. I've noticed big time how I hate to plan lunch every day. I even forgot to plan it for the weekend so we were scrambling because I didn't have any leftovers and we'd been cleaning all morning. Whoops! This was a weekend when we would have very likely eaten out lunch and dinner. I'm learning that I need a plan if I'm going to be successful in saving money and eating healthy. It's a good thing, just not always an easy thing. I've also found that as I've been intentional about cleaning up the kitchen after every meal it's so much more inviting...to mess it up again! It's good though because I'm not having to wash every pan right before I use it again. Super helpful!

My little man standing tall!

My biggest "reflection" though is how I pour myself into these things, challenges, goals, and ideals that I want to attain. I forget about the other things as I hone in on one thing. Like last week when I should have been prepping the Christmas music for our first choir Christmas rehearsal and I used the challenges to procrastinate. I ended up with an over full and very stressful Sunday as I scrambled to throw it all together. And then there's my boys. Number 2 is still getting up at least once a night. I think it's a combination of waking up for some unknown reason mixed with testing his boundaries. But I read an article today about how much our little ones need us, and I thought maybe he just wants to be with me. It made me sad because as I looked back over these last three weeks (since I started Whole 30) I realized that I haven't been taking as much time for my little guys as I could, or maybe even should. I want to pour myself into them and do the other stuff if it fits. They need me. And I love that about them.

Mother of Two

Wow! Five months go by so fast! I cannot believe how difficult and wonderful they have been. Today Little Z is 5 months old. He is the sweetest, most adorable baby. I love him to pieces! Having two little ones has proven to be a challenge though, more than I was expecting to say the least!

People told me it would be harder, but I guess I just didn't believe them. Over these past months I've realized that moms are amazing. Not like, "I'm a mom and I'm amazing." But moms in general. I say if you've got more than one kid and you haven't killed anyone yet -- AMAZING! No, but seriously, I don't know how you can truly appreciate what moms do if you've never had to do it. Not just having and raising kids, but keeping your emotions under control, loving unconditionally, dealing with tempers and tantrums -- from kids and spouses and the ones you have in your head, listening to the same questions over and over, saying the same things over and over, cleaning, cooking, making all the boo boo's go away, and the list goes on! Just thinking about it makes me want my mommy! 

I know above all else I've needed my faith and family more than ever through having children. I've had to allow people to help and God to heal. I've had to take some long looks inside and decide who's more important, me or them. One of the scriptures that has helped me so much through this is Philippians 2:3-4 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." When I think about this in the context of family it rocks my world. It's easy to see this in a ministry setting, or even when thinking about work relations, or people less fortunate than you. But when you start thinking about your family this way it almost seems crazy! 

Many moms will tell you they put themselves last on the list. They'll say things like "I never buy anything new because all the money's going to the kids," or "I wish I had a few minutes a day for myself," or "I don't even have time to take a shower!" But I don't think that's what this verse means. It's deeper than that. It means that at the core, in my heart, I believe that my husband, my children, my mom/dad/siblings are the most valuable people in my life. I take care of me so I can take care of them. I put on my prettiest face for my husband. I put on patience and love for my children. I put on understanding and help for my parents. I put on kindness and a listening ear for my siblings. You see it's not that I get to be "the real" me with them -- which, by the way, bothers me when we think that's the crazy person living inside of us, but that's a different story -- but it's about being the best me because that's how important they are.

I know this isn't easy or comfortable for the most part, but with practice and lots of prayer I know I have begun to feel like this is me. I am a kind and loving parent. I am beautiful and respectful wife. I honor and help my parents and love my siblings. Not always. Never perfectly. But intentionally and carefully. I am learning that if I can be unselfish and understanding at home, it becomes that much easier everywhere else.

*As a side note, while I'm writing this my almost-3-year-old is "juggling", which means he's basically throwing balls in the air and hitting everything breakable in the house, including me! Whose idea was it to buy him those juggling balls anyway!?!

Abandonment

So, I'm in the middle of a Bible study called Falling in Love with Jesus. The 3rd week in our study is all about surrender and abandoning everything for the Love of our lives. I also started reading a book called Radical by David Platt, which is basically about this exact thing. It just so happens I started reading the book the same week I managed week 3 in my Bible study... hmmm... coincidence?

My heart has always been for God's will in my life, no matter what. At the beginning of this week's study I was challenged to pray Ruth 1:16-17 “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.” I must say I had a little trouble getting the words out. I've come to realize that it's not just something to say or "believe", but it's something to live.

Now I'm not saying that before this past week I didn't really mean that I wanted to live out God's will, but it's just hit me like a ton of bricks, that if He asked my life -- not just my physical life, but everything I hold dear, and He could! -- then I would have to give it. Not have to like someone's making me, but have to like because I love Him with everything. Nothing I have has come because of anything I've done, only because He's given it. But as I started to pray those words, "Where you go I will go, where you stay I will stay..." I broke, because I realized that my stuff really did have a hold on me. That's not who I want to be!

I want to live my life in a way that I can fulfill every call of God on my life. Yes, I want to enjoy His blessings and walk with joy and hope, but do I really need "stuff" to believe that He's a good God? Do I need "things" to believe that He wants to bless me? I have an amazing family and more love than I can possibly deserve, but what if He asked me for them? Would I question that He's worth it? I've decided that He is -- He's so worth it: everything, all of me, all my comforts and desires, hopes and dreams, loves and lovees. He's the only One I want to live my life for.

I've started reading through the Bible, and I'm shooting to read through it in the coming year. I've attempted this before and have never quite made it, but here I go again. I'm praying that through His Word, my life will be transformed and my mind renewed. I've already had some "aha" moments. I can't wait for more to come. I'm so blessed to be loved by such an amazing Papa. I hope you know that love too.

Revelation(s)

I'm taking part in a new Bible study this fall: Revelation, There and Then, Here and Now by Beth Moore. It's obviously deep, but also surprisingly refreshing. Beth has asked us to ask God for fresh revelation from Him about Him in our daily lives, and then journal it. I thought I'd just share a little of what He's been showing me.

Having a new baby in the house, I get to see and learn new things about God and His big giant love all the time! Yesterday we were laying on my bed and Jeremiah was babbling on and on, grabbing at his feet and studying his hands. He was so precious, and I thoroughly enjoyed just listening to him "talk" even though I had no idea what he was saying. Then it hit me: that's how God feels about me. The only difference is He always knows what I'm saying -- maybe even better than I do. But he enjoys me that much. He just wants to spend time with me, listening to me, watching me discover new things and sharing them with Him. So beautiful!

As I was driving today I had another small revelation about how He wants me to serve Him. I think in my head I have this built-up, crazy notion of who I'm "supposed to be". But I felt Him say, "Just be you. Just be who I created you to be and that's enough for me. I'll do the rest." It's so refreshing to think that I don't have to put on airs or try to make myself better. I can just be me. And that in itself is an act of worship.

It's amazing how learning more about Him always sheds light on my silly thoughts and insecurities. But I love knowing that to Him, nothing I feel or think or am is silly. It's all exactly right. Just how He made me.

To Know His Love

Ephesians 3:19: "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

I love this verse. It truly is my prayer for everyone I know and for myself! There is nothing more beautiful or amazing than to realize how much God loves you. And not just to know it but to experience it. The word "know" in this verse suggests intimate knowledge. It's actually the same word used in the Bible when it talks about a husband "knowing" his wife. This, to me, speaks of an experience. Knowing God's love isn't just something we can know in our minds. It must penetrate our hearts, and that only comes through intimate relationship. We must experience God to know His deep love for us.

Let me give you an example of this. My whole life I've been to church at least once if not twice a week, with the exception of vacations here and there. I was raised singing "Jesus loves me this I know" and being told how much Jesus loves me in Sunday school and sermons. I have parents who love me dearly and have always told me how much they love me. Here's the thing: I knew it in my head but I didn't know it in my heart. I got to the age where I needed to "feel" loved and began looking for it and taking advantage of it wherever I could find it. Of course that didn't work because what I really needed was to "know" God's love. I had parents who loved me, I knew Jesus loved me, but I didn't feel loved. Why? I hadn't experienced God's love.

It may be something as simple as learning to "speak" a different love language. I am a touchy-feely person. I like to be told a million-and-a-half times a day that I am loved. And it's even better if that "I love you" comes with a big hug or a kiss! My parents aren't touchy-feely, so while I knew in my head they loved me, in my heart I questioned it at times because they hadn't told me today, this minute, or 10 seconds ago! When I was able to realize that my parents provision for and protection of me, as well as the gifts they gave me and the way they were willing to supply my wants in addition to my needs was the way they expressed their love, I finally accepted and knew in my heart they loved me. Don't get me wrong they've always told me they love me, but really someone as needy as I can be is just insatiable when it comes to being told and shown love! Sorry!

This head vs. heart knowledge translated into my relationship with God. I knew He'd always taken care of me. And though I had a relationship with Him, it wasn't until I began seeking Him, was able to fully surrender, pour out my heart and let go of the ways I thought He should tell me of His love, that I was able to hear, see, and feel the way that He constantly and lavishly expresses His love! He rocked my world and changed my life!

My prayer for you is that you will experience the love of God. If you’ve never asked to be shown it, or maybe even thought you knew it, ask Him to reveal it in a new way. He just might blow your socks off! I believe God’s in the “sweep you off your feet” business. I think He’s the true romantic of all time. His love is wider, higher, longer, and deeper than any of us has ever imagined. Let Him take you to a new place with Him – where He can show you His love.

The Older I Get...

It kind of sounds silly to me to say, "The older I get..." But it's true, you learn things as you grow up, no matter how old you are. So here I am, young, but older than I was last year! Something God has been showing me is in relation to my marriage. I am a newlywed, and I find it amazing how much God has taught me through my marriage to the most wonderful man in the world! I am astounded at the comparison between the earthly marriage relationship and the relationship God desires to have with us, His bride. Now, I knew before I got married, that this is a comparison drawn in the Bible, but I don't think I fully understood the magnitude of it.

God's desire for intimacy with us goes so far beyond, "Hey, how's it going?" It even goes beyond, "I love you sooooooooo much!" It's more like, "You're on my side of the bed...Why do you have to sit so close?...How can you possibly think I'm cute while flossing?!" And so much more! God's desire is to know every aspect of our lives. To be intimately involved in everything we do. His heart is to love us to the depths. His love for us is deeper than we can imagine and He wants to love us in the deepest parts of ourselves.

I don't think anyone knows me the way my husband knows me, nor could anyone else still appreciate me after knowing me so well! Except one: God. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows everything about me, even the things I try to hide! I think the clincher for Him is when we turn that around, and begin desiring to know Him that way. When we miss being with Him after a long day of chores and work. When we ask Him to come close and to "kiss me with the kisses of your mouth. For your love is more delightful than wine." When we stop and ask, "Hey what's your favorite...How can I love you better?...What are you thinking?"

God's desire for us to love Him is beyond anything we can even comprehend. And His love is beyond our capability to understand. But it's still available to us. All we have to do is ask.

Just do it!

One of my biggest goals in life is to trust God. It seems silly to me to not trust Him, seeing as how He's proved Himself to me over and over and over again. But I constantly find myself not trusting. Or even better, thinking I'm trusting all the while trying to take care of the situation on my own. The thought process / prayer process usually goes something like this: "Ok, Father, so here's the situation...[At this point I spill the beans and let God know everything He obviously doesn't already know about my situation.] And I'm just so upset, I don't know what to do! [I proceed to whine and complain and throw my pity party. And once I've finally exhausted myself, I say] I just lay this down right now Father. This is what I'm going to do about it..." You see the problem? I've laid it down in words, but not in my heart. I'm still trying to fix it! Kind of like, "I trust you but..."

I read these words and I think, "HOW LAME!" But I believe this is a common struggle, even to those who may have already learned to trust God. We constantly feel like there must be some way I can fix this. And when we realize we can't, we work ourselves into a frenzy trying to give it to God.

Isaiah 30:15 says "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength...." This is a hard lesson to learn, especially when you're a control freak! But here's the key: rest and be still. He's taking care of you! This is the truth. We can let go of our burdens because we have a Father who is intimately concerned with our lives. He's got us in the palm of His hand and He's not letting go. When we can't do it--and even when we can--He can do it. And He'll do it better than we could anyway!

This is not an easy thing to learn, but as we get to know our Heavenly Father, His character shines through and we begin to trust Him as much as we would the best physical father in the world, and even more. The more I get to know Him, the more I long to trust Him, because I know His ways are best. They are higher than mine. I think for now this is acceptable to Him, because it's all I have to give. He knows. He takes us however we come and He loves us till we can't stand staying the same, and begin the process of becoming like Him. Will you commit with me to stop trying so hard, and just let Him take care of you. He can, you know. He's greater.