A Healing Journey

Sunset over Tracy Community Church

So here's a little insight into what our last year has been like...

In October of 2014 I was diagnosed with two herniated discs in my lower neck, basically right where my neck meets my shoulders. It was causing an intense amount of pain. I spent the whole month of October on my face on the couch. I began feeling better as November wore on, and was at least able to function mostly normally by Christmas. Funny thing happened during that time though, I ended up having multiple gallbladder attacks -- a sharp pain in my shoulder then spreading throughout my abdomen from the right side. Yeah, no bueno. 

So, I had to have surgery. I had my gallbladder removed in January of this year. It took the full three weeks recovery time for me to even get out of bed. It just seemed like one thing after another. Needless to say I was depressed. I kept thinking, I should write about this. But I had nothing good to say. It's funny how when hard things happen it's so easy to shut down. I spent much of this difficult time wrestling with my emotions, uncontrolled in my eating habits, and definitely not exercising. Then hubby got sick. February, March, and April were spent trying to figure out what was going on and how to get him better. We can't explain exactly what it was except a combo of stress, bad eating habits, a spine out of alignment, and some pulled muscles, which together caused a whole lot of bad symptoms. Then we started to see the light.

Flashback to the beginning of 2014, I heard the Holy Spirit telling me one word: Presence. I felt like He wanted me to seek Him, to press in, to spend time deepening my relationship with Papa God. Now I know why. This has been a difficult road. I'm such a positive person by nature. It was like the life got sucked out of me and I was stuck without breath, and very little hope. But I know The Hope. And whenever I could muster I would seek His presence. Not like the Jesus-I-know-You're-with-me kind of presence, more like the if-I-don't-feel-you-wrapped-around-me-I-Will-Die kind of presence. There was lots of crying. (Which, if you know me, is totally to be expected! LOL) And slowly, but surely, the hope overtook the depression. Hubby and I started exercising some and in May we (I very reluctantly) decided to do an elimination diet to figure out if there were any food sensitivities that might be causing our symptoms. Wow! We started to feel better. The fog was lifting.

Monterey Beach -- What a beautiful day!

Then the leg cramps started. SERIOUSLY?! My calves would seize up and feel almost like a leg cramp, but just before. I

spent my birthday sitting on a bench looking at the beach and crying because all I wanted to do was walk the beach. It didn't seem like too much to ask. Every step reminded me how helpless I was. I walked around on the verge of tears for weeks. I decided to go the doctor. I found out that my Vitamin D was low, but other than that he could not explain the symptoms. Over a couple months I had several appointments for blood tests and results. And over that time my symptoms subsided. I started to notice a pattern of when my calf pain would return. I'm not quite sure but I think there are some preservatives to blame.

Then the final blow (hopefully!) my doctor had asked if we could run a cholesterol panel. It came back pre-diabetic, on the edge of high cholesterol -- my bad cholesterol is way to high, high triglycerides, too much inflammation. WHATTHEHECK! I was angry. 600 pound people on The Biggest Loser are pre-diabetic! I'm nowhere near that. Not fair. Not cool. Not me! Hubby was really worried and asked if we could implement my long put-off Whole 30-like diet. I think I was just mad enough that I was willing. Since the first gallbladder attack in February of 2014 I knew I needed to change my diet. I knew I needed to listen to my body. But the doctor gave me medicine and told me I had to take it. I had Barrett's Esophogus (a disease in which your esophageal tissue begins to mimic stomach tissue because of the corrosion of stomach acid overflowing into the esophagus) and it is pre-cancerous. I felt defeated then. Now I am refusing to lie down and take it.

Hebrews 10:23 says, "Let us hold unswervingly to the faith we profess, for he who promised is faithful." There is no one bigger than my God. There is no disease, no lie, no heartache, no depression, no pain. God has allowed this time in my life for reasons that only He knows right now. My job is not to give in and give up. It's to hang on and dig in to Him who promised that He has a plan for my life, that now matter what comes my way it will be for my good and His glory. I must choose to believe that He is faithful even when I don't see it. He has brought me this far. He will not fail me now. He CANNOT fail me. "For no word from God will ever fail." Luke 1:37

The Loves of my life!

So I will remain steadfast. I will set my face like a flint. I will do what God has called me to do and be who He's made and equipped me to be. I will thank God over and over for a husband who loves me enough to make me take care of my body, and boys who keep me running in circles. 

He is my shield, my very great reward. (Gen 15:1) Nothing else really matters.

Challenge Time - Whole 30

Pumpkin Chicken Curry

Well, it almost took a year but we finally started our very first Whole 30! What an experience!! We are currently on day 13 and I can't even describe the difference I am feeling in my cravings, energy level, and pants-fitting, which of course is the best! First a little background...

The last year has been quite a battle. First herniated discs in my lower neck. Then gallbladder surgery. Then hubby got sick (but is now better thanks to some investigative work and good advice from our Chiropractor!). Then elimination diet. EYE OPENNING! Then intense and inexplicable calf pain that radiated up my legs. Then lots of blood work that led to no solutions, but instead another diagnosis: Pre-diabetic, verge of high cholesterol, Inflammation levels way too high. Doctor's orders: lose weight, exercise, have a nice day. UGH!

Needless to say it's been a roller coaster, the scary intense and not-so-fun kind. It's been almost two years of sickness and battling depression. It seemed almost as though every time I would try to pull out of it I would get a new diagnosis or another new battle to fight. Through it all I have held on to my One Source of Hope, sometimes by a thread, always for dear life. It's hard to not whine, and mope, and feel sorry for myself. Every time I would realize I was doing this I would start thinking I should pray, I should eat better, I should exercise. And then I would NOT. And then guilt would beat me up. But eventually I would get to my knees.

Every diagnosis or new bottle of medicine prescribed would send me back to sadness, hopelessness, and the cycle would begin again. But this last diagnosis... Pre-diabetic? High cholesterol? What the what?? I was pissed. (Pardon my french!) Hubby and I had already started eliminating possible triggers for inflammation and my calf pain, which has remained much of a mystery, but has subsided and is now pretty much gone. So we said goodbye to soy, caramel color (which includes just about every processed food I could love! Oh, and it's super bad for all of us, btw. Did you know it's a carcinogen?), and of course processed sugar.

I tried really hard to stick to it, but then I had an Oreo. And then I had two more. And then I ate a bunch more stuff I shouldn't have for the rest of the week. If I took a step back I would've said, "...but I'm eating way better than before!" And although that might be true, better is not good enough with the symptoms I'm displaying. Have you ever heard of or read about food addiction? Hubby forwarded me this article and basically it described the Oreo reaction. We also watched this great documentary called "Fed Up" on Netflix. Mind blown! So, we decided to finally embark on the Whole 30. (I just reminded myself of those people that say "Long story short" and then tell you the whole story! Haha!)

And here we are. Day 13. It was hard the first week. I've had weird cravings, a couple days of "why do I feel fatter?", and a lot of saying "No, thank you." But today, I slipped into a pair of jeans that have taken up space in my drawer for far too long. I'm pretty sure as soon as I bought them I could no longer fit them! But today, oh yeah today, they fit! I can no longer wear too-tight, muffin top creating, pants because of my tummy issues, so when I say they fit, I mean it! And I couldn't be happier!

Here I am!! Skinny Jeans!!

I'll explain more about the Whole 30 diet and how it works and how we've made it work for us in another post, but I wanted to share a recipe for some delicious Pumpkin Curry Chicken we ate over cauliflower rice. I'll have to dedicate another post entirely to all the delicious ways we've been eating cauliflower. It's so good!

Found this recipe in Parenting magazine and adapted it only slightly. It says serves 4 but I would say more like 2-1/2.

Pumpkin and Chicken Curry

Ingredients
4 tsp Olive Oil, divided
1 lb boneless, skinless Chicken Breast, cut into thin strips
1/2 medium Onion, diced small (I dice onions & peppers small so the boys won't see them!)
1 tsp Ground Ginger
3 Garlic Cloves, minced
1 cup Coconut Milk (the kind in the can)
1 cup canned Pumpkin Puree
2 Tbsp curry powder
1/2 tsp salt
Dash of Cayenne Pepper
3 cups packed Baby Spinach (we don't usually like cooked spinach but it practically disappears here!)
2 tsp fresh lime juice (I didn't have any but I think it would've rocked this dish!)

2 cups Cauliflower rice

Directions
Heat 2 tsp oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the chicken in batches and cook until just done, 3-4 minutes. Remove from pan and set aside.

Reduce heat to medium. Add remaining 2 tsp oil to the skillet with the onion. When the onion appears translucent, about 5 minutes, add the garlic, ginger, and curry powder and cook till fragrant, about 1 minute.

Stir in the coconut milk, pumpkin puree, 1/2 cup water, salt, and cayenne. Simmer, uncovered, over medium-low for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add chicken back to the pan with the spinach and continue cooking until the greens have wilted. Stir in the lime juice and serve!

Hope you enjoy! Let me know how it turns out for you!!

I Just Don't Know

I wish there were some secret to becoming who God wants me to be. A secret that would make everything work out, and would get me quickly to the point where I've learned what I need to know. Sometimes in our walk, the lessons can seem so painful, difficult, long. Sometimes we're not quite sure if we can make it through to the next step, or if it will even be worth it.

Something that I've been learning is that there is a secret: the more you know God, the more you will want to know Him. It's not really a secret, but it sure is the way it works. When times get tough, maybe you turn to God first, maybe you don't, but eventually we all end up there. The question is, what do you do once the trial is over? That's the real test of your faith: do you continue seeking to fill your deep need for God with God. Is your relationship with God as close and strong in the good times as it is the bad? Do you come out of a trial stronger than you went in?

Sometimes it takes all we have just to get up and press on, but what if we are already in the habit of letting God press for us? What if we start every day with the realization of our deep and ever widening need for Him, and then pursue Him and his presence? What if He really is our every breath and thought?... Honestly, I don't know; I'm not there yet. But that's my goal. That God would be the sole desire of my heart. That each and every day I wake up and take another breath of His mercy, let Him fill me, and walk with Him.

The secret is no secret at all: Prayer and the Word. It may not be easy at first, but as we take that first step, the next one doesn't seem so scary. And the next one is almost a joy. And eventually we find ourselves in the place where we can't help but trust and obey. That's all there is to it.

Beth Moore tells about how her daughters used to cling to her when they wanted her attention but she didn't have time to play with them. You've seen it or been part of it: a child clinging to his/her parent's legs as if his/her very life depended on it. That's what God wants of us. He wants us to cling to Him as if our lives depended on it. In fact, our lives do depend on it. We need Him!

The Older I Get...

It kind of sounds silly to me to say, "The older I get..." But it's true, you learn things as you grow up, no matter how old you are. So here I am, young, but older than I was last year! Something God has been showing me is in relation to my marriage. I am a newlywed, and I find it amazing how much God has taught me through my marriage to the most wonderful man in the world! I am astounded at the comparison between the earthly marriage relationship and the relationship God desires to have with us, His bride. Now, I knew before I got married, that this is a comparison drawn in the Bible, but I don't think I fully understood the magnitude of it.

God's desire for intimacy with us goes so far beyond, "Hey, how's it going?" It even goes beyond, "I love you sooooooooo much!" It's more like, "You're on my side of the bed...Why do you have to sit so close?...How can you possibly think I'm cute while flossing?!" And so much more! God's desire is to know every aspect of our lives. To be intimately involved in everything we do. His heart is to love us to the depths. His love for us is deeper than we can imagine and He wants to love us in the deepest parts of ourselves.

I don't think anyone knows me the way my husband knows me, nor could anyone else still appreciate me after knowing me so well! Except one: God. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows everything about me, even the things I try to hide! I think the clincher for Him is when we turn that around, and begin desiring to know Him that way. When we miss being with Him after a long day of chores and work. When we ask Him to come close and to "kiss me with the kisses of your mouth. For your love is more delightful than wine." When we stop and ask, "Hey what's your favorite...How can I love you better?...What are you thinking?"

God's desire for us to love Him is beyond anything we can even comprehend. And His love is beyond our capability to understand. But it's still available to us. All we have to do is ask.